Superheroes? Not so much.

Great things can happen when spiders bite. Remember what happened when a radioactive spider bit Peter Parker? That’s right, he developed super spider strength, the knack for climbing walls, and the ability to spin webs directly from his wrists. Although Parker’s super abilities were nothing more than a wicked web of inconsistencies (see Note, below), the spider bite nonetheless turned Parker into one of the greatest superheroes of our time.

Still, we at SFZ want nothing to do with super-heroics, at least not if spider bites are a necessary part of the equation. Want proof? Listen:

On Friday morning, all four of us were in carpool. I (Fidget) was in the driver’s seat; Mumbles was riding shotgun; Madd Dogg and Sparky were in the back. When we were somewhere near the Woodburn exit, Sparky squealed out loud (not unlike an eight-year-old schoolgirl). After Madd Dogg’s pleas for help joined Sparky’s frantic spasm-like yelps, we discovered that a spider had found its way into the car. It had climbed from the back window, and came to rest somewhere near the dome light – directly above Sparky’s head.

Pandemonium erupted. And the SFZ members quickly found themselves unwittingly thrust into a frantic crisis, not unlike the crisis that the Apollo 13 astronauts faced after Kevin Bacon stirred the oxygen tanks and caused the spacecraft to go "teats up" on the way to the moon. But whereas the astronauts had to find a way to fix a crippled lunar module with duct tape and tube socks, we had to find a way to get a spider out of a moving car with only our shoes and Dairy Queen napkins. The following is a partial transcript of our tribulation:

Sparky: Help! Help!
Madd Dogg: Ah! A spider!
Mumbles (Looking back): Remember, he’s as scared of you as you are of him. He’s just as scared as you are.
Madd Dogg: Here, I’ll squash him with my shoe.
Fidget: No! Don’t use your shoe! Put your shoe back on!
Sparky (To the spider, which had started descending by a thread towards Sparky’s face): Don’t jump! Don’t jump!
Fidget: No, no, don’t worry. Spiders don’t jump. (Yes, I know that’s complete horse shit.)
Mumbles: He’s just as scared as you are.
Fidget: Here, take these [Dairy Queen] napkins. Wrap him up in the napkins, and then just fliffer him out the window.
Madd Dogg: What does “fliffer” mean?
Fidget: You know, just (indicating with his hands) “fliffer” him.
Sparky: Ok, ok. I got him. (Sound of window opening). There, he’s out.
Madd Dogg, Sparky, Fidget, and Mumbles: Whew.

Note on the inconsistencies of Spider-Man’s abilities:
Ok, so in the movie version of Spider-Man, Spidey shoots web out of his wrists. But then he puts on a long-sleeve shirt that covers up his wrists. How does the web still come out? Similarly, the movie version explains that Spidey can climb walls because he has microscopic spider-like hairs, which come out of his fingers (and presumably, his toes). But then he puts on gloves and shoes. How in the frick do the little hairs touch the walls?
It just doesn’t make any sense.

[photo by freezelight]