A Glimpse

The carpool members were tired. They were cranky. They had been walking through the bush for what seemed like weeks. With each breath, with each step of their search, their collective hopes diminished.

And then, they heard the noise. It was off to the right somewhere. Although it was, in truth, very faint, it crashed like thunder in their expectant ears. Each carpool member stopped, transfixed. Their eyes attempted to pierce the dusky underbrush. Their hearts pounded. And then they caught a brief, fleeting glimpse . . .

Later on, they would realize that their precious glimpse was merely a fraction of what they had come to see. But sitting around the fire in silence, they all felt refreshed. Renewed. They would continue the search.

No Joy?

First, a clarification: Top Gun is not -- repeat not -- my favorite movie. And I'm pretty sure it's not Sparky's favorite movie either. But for whatever reason, Sparky and I just can't stop talking about it.

But don't worry; if there is any danger in talking about Top Gun too much, Sparky and I were only hurting ourselves today. (Madd Dogg, who strongly discourages us from talking about Top Gun, is still on vacation; Mumbles was absent on his approved "telework" day; and Wheezy got a ride home with someone else.)

Today's Top Gun discussion raised two important questions: (1) What is a "hard deck," and (2) what does it mean to call "no joy?" (For those who haven't seen the movie, or who haven't seen it enough times to memorize it, those phrases are used during and after a mock dogfight between Maverick and Jester. During the dogfight, Maverick flies below the so-called "hard deck" to shoot down Jester. Afterward, Viper reprimands Maverick for going below the hard deck because Jester had called "no joy.")

Today, Sparky explained his theories about what both terms mean. He thinks that the "hard deck" is an artificial altitude below which the Top Gun pilots are not supposed to fly for safety reasons. He believes that "no joy" is something that a pilot announces if he or she can no longer see another aircraft.

Well, according to the good people at "The Tailhook Association," who have a somewhat official-looking website (www.tailhook.org), Sparky is absolutely right! The Tailhook Association tells us that a "hard deck" is, as Sparky guessed, "An established minimum altitude for training engagements." They also note that "no joy" means "Failure to make visual sighting."

Way to go, Sparky. I'll be your "wingman" anytime.

This and That -- A Week in Review

Well, a lot of stuff happened this week, and there was a lot of activity on the blog. We had carpool challenges, absences, and visits from old friends. Here's a brief recap of the week in review.

Things we watched:

• We watched Madd Dogg saunter out of our day-in/day-out carpool existence to go on vacation. Although she really, really deserved this vacation, the 'pool misses her. I mean, if the carpool were a hand, she would be the middle finger. Who can live without a middle finger?
• We watched yet-to-be-nicknamed carpool rider wheeze from allergies. (Uh, did I just inadvertently give her a nickname? "Wheezy," anyone? I can already hear the theme song to The Jeffersons, which was probably written by Alan Thicke. Must check that later.)
• We also watched the triumphant return of Schmitty (see various comments). Schmitty was a founding member of our carpool, but she has since taken a job close to home. (Although we claim to be happy for her, deep down, we are insanely jealous.)

Things we learned:

• Mumbles is a flake. He had 72 hours (that's, like, three days!!) to sign up on the blog and post something. He did not do so. And although Sparky often pontificates about the glories of pure democratic societies, I think Mumbles really epitomizes the reason why modern democratic societies (and blogs) don't work well: Apathy.
• According to www.imdb.com, Matthew Modine was originally selected to play the part of Pete "Maverick" Mitchell in Top Gun, but he turned it down. It's lucky that Madd Dogg was absent for this discussion -- she hates when we talk about Top Gun, which sucks because there are so many great lines. Like this one: "We went this way, he went that way. I said to Hollywood, 'Where'd he go,' and Hollywood said 'Where'd whooooo go?'" Classic.
• Alan Thicke did not write the theme song to The Jeffersons. That distinct honor went to Ja'net DuBois and Oren Waters. See http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=2978. Alan Thicke was a prolific TV theme writer, however. If you don't believe me, check out http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005484/#composer.

Things we want to forget:

• Traffic is back. And with a vengeance. In my five-plus years of carpooling, I've resigned myself to the immutable truth that traffic can happen without cause. But I've also noticed that traffic is always bad when the weather is either woefully crappy, or unbelievably gorgeous. Mumbles came up with a somewhat more Biblical theory on the cause of traffic. According to him, traffic is caused by "fornicators."
• Gas prices have finally leveled off -- at fricking $2.95 a gallon! (And we were promised flying cars by 2001.)

Things to look out for:

• The carpool may soon become the Ultimate Arbiter of Baby Names! Stay tuned. . .

WTF, Mumbles??

Here I am, blissfully lounging in the sun on vacation. However, lurking in the back of my mind was an unanswered question, to wit: did Mumbles rise to the occasion and meet Fidget's (i.e. the Dictator) challenge? So I figured out how to use wi-fi (no small feat, people) and checked out the blog. Lo and behold, no Mumbles post. I felt so unbelievably sad. I shed a tear. Named the tear Lola. And now I'm going back to my vacation. But my heart is heavy, and I may very well never be the same.

News and Notes

Madd Dogg Goes on Vacation; Un-Nicknamed Person to Fill In

Madd Dogg shocked the carpool yesterday when she began her long-anticipated vacation. She will be out of the carpool for about two weeks. Although the full impact of her absence won't be known for days, it already has caused at least two identifiable issues: (1) carpool cussing has dipped to dangerous lows, and (2) Sparky has shown an overt disrespect for previously enforced carpool schedules (Madd Dogg was the enforcer).

But there is some good news: (No, we didn't save a bunch of money on our car insurance by switching to Geico). Madd Dogg's absence has left room for a fifth -- you heard me, fifth -- carpool rider. Early reports indicate that this yet-to-be-named 'poolie is an origami artist (see photograph) who has allergies.

Mumbles' Inability to Enunciate (Almost) Causes Hostile Carpool Environment

The carpool learned today that, if you mumble, the phrase "my unitard" can sound a lot like "my unit's hard." Enough said.

And speaking of Mumbles: Will he make it?! Will he pass the carpool "administrator" test?! Only one day to find out. . .

I'm as democratic as the next guy, you flake.

Like most arguments in the carpool, today's argument started over something trivial: This blog.

The dispute: When was Mumbles going to finally pony-up and show even the slightest bit of interest in the blog?

Mumbles maintained that he was not going to do anything about the blog -- not even take 4 seconds to visit the website -- until he received full "administrator" status. My contention was that he should have to pass some sort of test to show that he is trustworthy and responsible before he is given full authority over this blog. He accused me of using the blog to run some sort of dictatorship. I accused him of being a flake, who still can't figure out how to change his friggin' voicemail at work.

Well that started it. Like most arguments in the carpool, voices were raised, alliances were formed, voices were raised again, and then alliances shifted. At the final count, the vote was 3 to 1. That is, three members of the carpool voted that I was an undemocratic "Fidget-mouth" (can you believe it?). And one person voted that I was not.

I sat in the driver's seat trying to figure out how it all went so wrong. (Of course, now, with the benefit of hindsight, it has become clear: Sparky will come to the defense of just about any fool, so long as the fool is pitiful; trust me, Mumbles is. And Madd Dogg was probably still pissed at me because I repeatedly walked in front of her on the way to the car this afternoon, making her slow down and change course. She hates that.)

At any rate, it was decided by a vote of 3 to 1 that Mumbles would be given the following test:

• At about 9:30 pm tonight, I sent Mumbles an invitation to become a formal member of this blog. (No, Mumbles, you can't actually become an "administrator" until you first sign up. But if you complete this test, I will then dutifully change your status to "administrator.")
• From 8:00 am tomorrow, when Mumbles will first be able to check his email, he will have 72 hours (until 8:00 am Friday morning) to become computer literate and post an entry on this blog.
• If he does so, he will have proven his trustworthiness, he will have earned the eminent title of "administrator," and I will eat humble pie -- a dish that I have learned, through vast experience, is best served cold.

So the carpool has thrown the gauntlet down. Will Mumbles answer?

Carpool Profile: Mumbles

So, this is Mumbles, our newest member of the carpool. Mumbles -- who is of average height, by the way -- got his nickname because, quite often, his speech is indecipherable. Mumbles is also the youngest member of the 'pool, which means that, when we can understand him, we learn the jargon of today's youth.

A couple of Mumbles' favorite phrases:

• "What is up?" -- This phrase is used instead of the usual, more colloquial "What's up?" or "Wuz Up?"
• "Man, that's sick." -- This, I think, means that something is really good.
• "Rock" or "Rocking" -- A word used to mean "wear" or "wearing." E.g., "So, back in high school, I used to rock [read: wear] the hat."

Mumbles is also a friend to animals and plants alike. He knows how to send a crab to a peaceful dreamland by rubbing its belly. (Adorable, huh?) And he thinks that scotchbroom gets a bad rap. He's quite opinionated about this, actually. Rather than thinking of scotchbroom as a destructive invasive species, he thinks of it as "just doing it's thing."

Mumbles, you keep doing your thing.

Unskinny Bop??

Madd Dogg thought she'd give you all a taste of what it would be like to be a bug on the window of our carpool. Here's just a glimpse of the topics we covered today:

What exactly was Poison referring to when they sang "Unskinny Bop?" Now we know, since Fidget and I bet on it and I looked it up when I got home. Common decency prevents me from disclosing what exactly they meant (but just enter the question in Google, 'cause we're not the first ones to wonder this), but suffice it to say that Fidget was wrong and Madd Dogg was right. Score for Madd Dogg. Again. Stay tuned, and you learn that Fidget likes to bet (which is not to say that he has a problem...).

And speaking of Fidget bets, we covered whether men naturally have some estrogen. This stemmed from discussion of the Luna bar, which someone apparently thought contained estrogen (they're marketed to women)....Fidget wasn't willing to bet on this one, but he thinks he's got a 25% chance that he's right that men have no estrogen (unless they eat a Luna bar apparently).

We also had some lovely sing-a-longs, to wit: a Cars song, followed by some Foreigner song, with Madd Dogg and Fidget as lead singers, and Mumbles singing a lovely back up. Beautiful stuff. And what of Sparky, you ask? Well, he was, as he so often does, pretending to sleep....

We also had a brief theatrical rendition, with Sparky, Mumbles, and Fidget all taking various parts in the Three Amigos....


Good stuff, huh??

The History of the Carpool -- An Introduction

Since the dawn of time, humans have had to work. Prehistoric humans worked pretty much within walking distance of their caves. They stayed close to home, partly because after a long day of hunting and gathering, they wanted to rush back to their caves and decorate the walls. But the sedentary nature of the prehistoric working person also had to do with a lack of feasible transportation. Then came Henry Ford.

Ford invented the car (or at least a way to make more of them). People loved it. And this new mode of transportation spawned an enthusiasm that people had not experienced since the advent of the sharp stick. Soon, people were doing everything in their cars: listening to music, having sex, watching DVDs. People were so captivated by the car, that the auto makers invented traffic, just so people could spend more time in their cars.

When traffic on small streets became boring, the automakers -- working in concert with the oil refineries -- knocked down trees and paved over rivers so that they could have big streets. But these big streets -- "highways," they came to be called -- didn't become immediately popular. The automakers tried everything to prompt people to use them: a glove compartment that was refridgerated, cupholders that would accommodate a 44-ounce soda, neon lights that could be mounted under the car. Nothing worked.

Then one day, a young auto executive named Leo Carpoolian decided that he would quit working for the auto company and take a job at a recycling center about ten miles away. His boss thought his idea to be hilarious. "How would you possibly get there?", Carpoolian's boss asked when he gave his two-week notice. "What, are you going to drive there and back every day?"

Carpoolian stopped in his tracks. His boss dropped his highball glass. They both peed in their pants. They were both so excited because they knew, by golly, that they had just stumbled onto something that would change the world. Commuting.

Commuting was the answer to the auto makers' and oil refineries' prayers. What else could prompt thousands, perhaps millions, of people to fill up those highways with brand-spanking-new, oil-burning chariots?

Well, the rest, as they say, is history. The automakers began bankrolling all of their friends to open up factories and wholesale superstores all over the country. Carpoolian's boss retired early and became a politician. The oil refineries invented the SUV.

And what happened to Carpoolian? Well, needless to say, he didn't quit his job. But he did ask to be transferred to the research-and-development department. While there, he spent months trying to find a way to encourage people to drive to work together. In addition to making the commute more enjoyable, he figured it would save commuters from rising fuel costs. When the auto makers caught wind of what Carpoolian was doing, and they realized that it would cut down drastically on the number of cars on the road at any given time, they canned him like tuna. But not before he invented the Carpool.

Our Carpool:

Madd Dogg
Sparky
Mumbles
Fidget