Sparky Sandwich

As many of you brown-baggers know, the "sandwich" is named after the Fourth Earl of Sandwich, John Montagu. That factoid is rather strange, and probably unfortunate, given the vast array of other notable things that the good Earl did. In addition to being dubiously dubbed the inventor of the sandwich (see below), he was a member of the House of Lords, a Commissioner of Admiralty, an army colonel, a Secretary of State, and the Postmaster General.

With all of those honors, you might wonder if Montagu would be more than a little disappointed to find out that, all of these years later, his name has become synonymous with a type of food that usually is considered to be sort of "ho-hum." Don't feel bad for him. As it turns out, the "sandwich" rightfully should be called the "hillel," after it's true inventor, Hillel the Elder. Hillel came up with the idea of putting food in between pieces of matzo way back in the first century B.C.E. Although really, what Hillel created would now more commonly be referred to as a "wrap."

At any rate, both Montagu and Hillel are now dead. Consequently, I highly doubt that either of them give a crap about who gets the credit for "inventing" something that really shouldn't have needed to be "invented" in the first place. I mean, come on, we're talking about two pieces of bread with some sort of filling. We're not talking rocket science.

And speaking of stuff that is not rocket science, I will now give you all SFZ's coveted recipe for a delicious Sparky Sandwich. The ingredients are easy to remember: Sparky, Madd Dogg, and Fidget. (Some people might wonder if Mumbles would be a substitute for either Madd Dogg or Fidget. I doubt it.)

After assembling the ingredients, start by placing Sparky on the sidewalk, where he will walk toward work. Then, gently place Madd Dogg and Fidget on either side of him, walking at the same pace. From there, the ingredients themselves will take over.

Much like yeast magically makes bread rise, Madd Dogg and Fidget will make very subtle eye contact. And then, at precisely the same moment, they will ram their shoulders into Sparky from either side. If the impact is forceful enough, it will cause coffee to spill out of Sparky's travel mug and splatter onto the front of his dress shirt. Sparky will pretend like he is angry (especially if he has a meeting that day), and he will show up in Fidget's office later to point to the stain accusingly. But because a Sparky Sandwich is best served with coffee, you'll just have to offer him "Spray-n-Wash" and hope for the best.

Warning: The recipe can go terribly wrong if the eye contact between Madd Dogg and Fidget is not subtle enough. Under those circumstances, Sparky may catch on to the fact that he is about to become the key ingredient in a sandwich, and he will stop walking at the right moment. If he does that, Madd Dogg and Fidget will ram their shoulders into each other, and the result is less appetizing.

[photo by paul goyette]