Things that make you go "hmm"

While this "jinx" thing is still fresh in your mind, I've got a bone to pick with Madd Dogg about one of the rules of the Jinx. (See "You Owe Me a Coke, Motherf**ker")

Madd Dogg is correct that our carpool has a rule that a jinx can be based only on words, not sounds. That rule (like all of our rules) evolved after the issue actually arose in the carpool. As I recall it, Madd Dogg and I made the same sound at the same time -- I think the sound was "hmm." Anyway, I immediately called a "jinx," counted to ten, and informed Madd Dogg that she owed me a coke. She protested (which incidentally broke another rule: if someone jinxes you, you cannot talk, even if you suspect that the jinx is somehow defective). After a vote, the rest of the carpool took her side. Thus, a jinx could thereafter be based only on words.

I was, shall we say, dubious. The rule struck me as stupid and arbitrary. I mean, honestly: Why should words and sounds be treated differently so long as two people say or make them at the same time? (Answer: They shouldn't be. And if Madd Dogg had been the first to jinx someone based on a sound, she would have been the one arguing that they are fair game.)

Well, if you are like me, you are petty, and willing to hold a grudge until your dying day. Luckily, I didn't have to wait until that day. As Madd Dogg mentioned, she -- quote/unquote -- "jinxed" me a couple of weeks ago with the word "oh." Eager to smack her upside the head with her own dumb rule, I told her that "oh" wasn't a word. She pointed out that it was a word because it was in the dictionary. At which point, my grammar admittedly became impaired and I told her that "There's a lot of shit in the dictionary that aren't words."

And that's right; there are a lot of "words" in the dictionary that are not actually words. Take, for example, this one, which was the very basis for the "no sounds" rule in the first place:

H'm or hmm, which Webster's defines as an "interj." that is "used typically to express thoughtful absorption, hesitation, doubt, or perplexity."

The inconsistency of Madd Dogg's "dictionary" rule makes me want to express hesitation, doubt, and perplexity right now.

Hmm.

"You Owe Me a Coke, Motherf**ker"

Ah yes. This could very well go down in Searching for Zentra history as one of the greatest lines, uttered by our fair Mumbles. First, we should all pause and recognize the fact that not only did Mumbles utter this line, but it was understood by all in carpool. Second, it is significant because it is the first time that Mumbles has ever jinxed anyone in the 'pool.

Jinx is an important concept in our 'pool. I, for one, had never heard of it, pre-meeting our dear Fidget (as an aside, it's hard to imagine a time in my life where I didn't know Fidget. Life was just not nearly as interesting as it is now...). One day, a few weeks after joining the 'pool, Fidget and I happened to say the exact same word at the exact time. Next thing I knew, Fidget was demonstrating that he knew how to count from 1 to 10, and then shrieked that I owed him a coke. Hence, my introduction to the Jinx. Should you and another say the same word or phrase at the same time, the first person to say, "Jinx, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, you owe me a coke" is the "winner." The loser is not permitted to speak, not even to protest the jinx (more on that later) until someone else utters said loser's name three times.

Dumb? Absolutely. Hours of entertainment? Of course. And it just so happens that, when you spend as much time as we do, trapped in a very small space, jinx happens a lot. Many battles have ensued, and a whole new set of rules have followed.

For instance, if something isn't a word, it can't be used towards a jinx. Recently, after losing a jinx and attempting to protest the result, Fidget pronounced that "Oh" isn't a word. After I pointed out, as winner of the jinx, that it is totally a word because it's in the dictionary, Fidget stated that "There's a lot of shit in the dictionary that aren't words." Huh? In his view, "Oh" is an exclamation, not a word. I know, sad isn't it? When he says things like that, we just look at one another knowingly, and gently pat his head.

Another rule is that you have to actually count each number...Sparky has a habit of just jumping in at whatever number his opponent is at, in an attempt to beat them. Can't do it...you have to start at 1, count each number through 10.

Anyway, Mumbles doesn't jinx. I suspect that's largely due to the fact that we can't understand what he says, therefore no jinx. But as we were driving home the other day, he and Fidget were talking about something that led to something else that led to a line being quoted from Beverly Hills Cop. He and Fidget uttered the line at the exact same time. Mumbles response?

Mumbles: Jinx, 4, 5, 6

Other Carpool members: Looking at each other in shocked silence, concerned Mumbles doesn't know how to count....

Mumbles: Jinx, 1, 2, 3, 4....

Other carpool members: Silently urging him past four, hoping he'll remember that 5-10 follow...

Mumbles: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. You owe me a coke, motherfucker!!

Almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. So hard to capture in a blog, but it was possibly the most brilliant line ever uttered in carpool.

So the jinx count is as follows:

Sparky owes Madd Dogg like 15 cokes, which he can work off by kicking her ass in tennis.
Fidget and Madd Dogg are most likely even.
Sparky owes Fidget a half rack.
Fidget owes Mumbles a coke, motherfucker.

Ground Control to Major Dogg

Something that I have learned about Madd Dogg: When she gets angry at you, she will grab your wrist and try to bite your hand. She may even let out a bear-like growl at the same time.

Although I originally learned that lesson during the great gum incident of 2006, I had a refresher course today after Madd Dogg got sick and tired of me turning off her car stereo immediately after she turned it on. I did it, like, ten times. It's not that I don't like the Indigo Girls, with whom Madd Dogg was attempting to harmonize at the time. Rather, I did it in retaliation for the ear-splitting, blood-curdling scream that Madd Dogg issued -- for no identifiable reason -- just before we arrived at the carpool spot this evening.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good old-fashioned blood-curdling scream from time to time. But not immediately before (like tonight) I am going to a physical exam to have my friggin' blood pressure checked, in order to obtain life insurance so that, in the event of my untimely passing, my loved ones will be able to afford a really nice car.

In any event, Madd Dogg was decidedly unmoved by my reason for turning off her stereo. So unmoved was she that she bid me a special kind of luck during my exam: "I hope the nurse pokes you in your private parts," she said. Uncalled for.

But the ride home was not entirely comprised of equal parts piss and vinegar. For one thing, I downloaded my first musical "ring tone." So now, if you were to call my cell phone, I would hear David Bowie singing, "Ground control to Major Tom" again and again. And again. Apparently, that song is called "Space Oddity," a fact that we knew only after Madd Dogg called her better half and put in a request for some remote internet research. (What we should have asked her to research is the number of times a person can listen to Bowie repeating that line without wanting to take a dirt nap. I suspect that the number would be around 12, which is fast approaching for me. So please, don't call me on my cell phone unless you want me dead.)

In other news, Madd Dogg doesn't like "taco meat." And that's how she knows that the Taco Burger at Taco Time is "gross," even though she's never actually tried it. I beg to differ. I mean, really: Ground beef? Shredded lettuce? Shredded cheddar cheese? Chopped tomatoes? And Thousand Island dressing, all on a sesame seed bun? As Mumles would say, "Forgetaboutit."

[photo by sandra]

Sparky is so getting coal for Christmas

Sigh. It truly pains me to write this blog entry (okay, not really...but I felt like I should say that). It's actually Sparky's behavior that pains me. Let me set the scene:

Thursday, 8:03 a.m.: Madd Dogg suffers a heinous work related blow. She cries.

8:10 a.m.: Madd Dogg is so done crying. Now she's just pissed. And she needs a stiff drink.

11:45 a.m.: Our office holiday party commences.

12:13 p.m.: The office holiday party gift exchange begins. In short, the rules provide that you open a gift but that others with a higher number may steal your gift.

12:19 p.m.: Madd Dogg steals a nerf gun and bottle of wine, announcing that she needs both after her work related blow. It was a loud annoncement, such that Sparky HAD to have heard it.

12:23 p.m.: Sparky flashes his number (higher than Madd Dogg's) at Madd Dogg, with glee and cruelty in his eyes. He makes it quite clear he's coming for MY nerf gun and MY bottle of wine. Did I mention that I made it quite clear I needed both?

12:29 p.m. Sparky's number is called and, sure enough, he makes his way towards Madd Dogg and STEALS her gun and bottle of wine. With a certain amount of satisfaction, I might add. Madd Dogg attempts to shoot him with her nerf gun but to no avail.

12:31 p.m.: Someone else steals the nerf gun and wine from Sparky. Once again, karma kicks Sparky squarely in the ass. Madd Dogg claps.

12:38 p.m.: The party ends, and Sparky has some hot chocolate assortment and Madd Dogg, thank god, ended up with another bottle of wine.

Since then: Madd Dogg and Sparky have not ridden in a car together. Madd Dogg's beef? I mean, sure, stealing is all part of the game. But I am equally as sure that Sparky breached some unnamed carpool ethic (with impunity, I might add) by stealing what Madd Dogg so clearly needed that day. And she has yet to forgive him. And she predicts that Santa will feel the same, and will deliver an appropriate amount of coal.

Now That's Just Unsafe

Sparky and Fidget have had a long standing issue with Mumbles and I. To wit: Mumbles and I tend to take off our seat belts when we are approaching our destination rather than, as Fidget and Sparky would prefer, when we're actually at our destination. Fidget has attempted to explain why this bothers him so, something along the lines of how if we take off our seatbelts and we get into an accident, we become a missile or bullet or some kind of projectile that would then pose a danger to someone else in the car. I'm really not clear on how that works exactly, but that's what he says. As for why this bothers Sparky, I can only hazard a guess along the lines of how, technically, we are violating some law.

It is, indeed, a bad habit. My excuse is that I used to live with a cop, and that's what cops do...they take off their seatbelts as they are approaching a scene so that they can hop out of their car and violate some poor schmuck's civil rights more quickly than they could have if they took off their seatbelt after arriving at the scene. So I learned to take off my seatbelt before getting somewhere, just in case...I don't know why Mumbles does it, but he does it way earlier even than I do (if he puts on his seatbelt at all, which is a whole other posting).

Anyway, as I mentioned, every time that Mumbles or I prematurely unbelt, Sparky and Fidget freak out. It's really quite tiresome. Today, however, Sparky felt the need to make more of a point than he usually does. We were like inches from our drop off point and Mumbles and I unbelted. Sparky, in response, stomped on the breaks in an attempt to purposely propel our foreheads into the dash. I, of course, anticipated this assholic maneuver and caught myself with my arm (which fortunately didn't snap in two). How rude is that? Sparky was willing to go so far as to hurt two people to make a point, and that made me sad.

My sadness was short lived, however. Sparky and I live near each other, so I was following him on the drive home. Across the middle of the road strode a group of boys, looking like they were up to no good and most definitely not obeying any right of way laws. Sparky had to slow and, as I was behind him, I had to slow too. That pissed me off. Being Madd Dogg, I honked at them. Only they thought it was Sparky who had honked at them, and made all sorts of pissed off gestures at him instead of me. Ha! Feel that Sparky? That's instant karma kicking you in the ass.