Ground Control to Major Dogg

Something that I have learned about Madd Dogg: When she gets angry at you, she will grab your wrist and try to bite your hand. She may even let out a bear-like growl at the same time.

Although I originally learned that lesson during the great gum incident of 2006, I had a refresher course today after Madd Dogg got sick and tired of me turning off her car stereo immediately after she turned it on. I did it, like, ten times. It's not that I don't like the Indigo Girls, with whom Madd Dogg was attempting to harmonize at the time. Rather, I did it in retaliation for the ear-splitting, blood-curdling scream that Madd Dogg issued -- for no identifiable reason -- just before we arrived at the carpool spot this evening.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good old-fashioned blood-curdling scream from time to time. But not immediately before (like tonight) I am going to a physical exam to have my friggin' blood pressure checked, in order to obtain life insurance so that, in the event of my untimely passing, my loved ones will be able to afford a really nice car.

In any event, Madd Dogg was decidedly unmoved by my reason for turning off her stereo. So unmoved was she that she bid me a special kind of luck during my exam: "I hope the nurse pokes you in your private parts," she said. Uncalled for.

But the ride home was not entirely comprised of equal parts piss and vinegar. For one thing, I downloaded my first musical "ring tone." So now, if you were to call my cell phone, I would hear David Bowie singing, "Ground control to Major Tom" again and again. And again. Apparently, that song is called "Space Oddity," a fact that we knew only after Madd Dogg called her better half and put in a request for some remote internet research. (What we should have asked her to research is the number of times a person can listen to Bowie repeating that line without wanting to take a dirt nap. I suspect that the number would be around 12, which is fast approaching for me. So please, don't call me on my cell phone unless you want me dead.)

In other news, Madd Dogg doesn't like "taco meat." And that's how she knows that the Taco Burger at Taco Time is "gross," even though she's never actually tried it. I beg to differ. I mean, really: Ground beef? Shredded lettuce? Shredded cheddar cheese? Chopped tomatoes? And Thousand Island dressing, all on a sesame seed bun? As Mumles would say, "Forgetaboutit."

[photo by sandra]