Space Invaders of the Fidget Kind

We have a serious problem in carpool. Seriously. Now, as a caveat, I will admit that, probably more than most people, I have what Fidget has so endearingly termed "space issues." That is, I don't like people in my personal space (is that so unreasonable? I think not). I hate those people who, when you're in line at Peets, get within like two inches of you and you can feel their breath on your neck. You inch forward, away from them, and damned if they don't move even closer to you. Makes me nuts.

So, in light of my oh so reasonable "space issues," it is well established in carpool that you don't invade my, or anybody else's, personal space. It's why we can never have five people in the car, because if you have to sit in the back, you'd literally have the third person touching you. Now granted, we violate this rule just about every day when we conduct an Operation Sparky Sandwich or Fidget is being a particular pain in my ass and I have to flick his ear to get him back in line. But, within those limited and well-defined exceptions, the rule is clear: stay outta my personal space and I'll stay outta yours.

Fidget, apparently, has not been paying attention. Because today, as I was merrily driving down I-5, I see the hand out of my peripheral vision, headed my way. I'm thinking Fidget is just gesturing as he's celebrating the recent Democratic victories, but I'll be goddamn if he doesn't reach across, INTO MY DRIVER'S SPACE, and TURN ON THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS. This, it now occurs to me, violates not one but TWO rules. First, the space rule. Second, it is most clearly within the province of the driver to determine when the windshield wipers should or should not be on. So I karate chop his hand, and away it slithers. But then, our little Sparky chirps up from the back seat that that was TWICE in the last week that Fidget has done that. Apparently, when it was just Fidget and Sparky in the car, with Sparky driving, Fidget reached across the demilitarized zone and into Sparky's space and HONKED HIS HORN. This from the very Fidget who won't honk his own horn and chastises me whenever I use mine to express my displeasure with another driver's lack of manners. Unbelievable. Of course, Fidget tries to twist and twirl his way out of this, but he's screwed. I had Sparky write him up a ticket, and he's on serious probation. Any further violations and he's relegated to the back seat for a month (and if you knew our seating patterns, that would really hurt him).