Mumbles Got a Fast Car

Ah, it's good to be back from the holidays. I'm one of those total dorks who really craves the structure of my job. Absent work, I'd weigh like 300 pounds because I'd just sit on the couch, eat bon bons, and watch football and movies.

But, while we were on holiday, a very exciting carpool event transpired: Mumbles bought a new car. A fast one at that, as the speedometer tops out at 160 miles an hour (for comparison purposes, I'm pretty sure that mine tops out at like 80? 90?). It's real pretty too, and comfortable. And, extra bonus, it's got air conditioning so that, when it's 100 degrees outside, we don't have to see one another shed our clothes.

But along with new cars, as our fair readers can imagine, comes a host of problems. Like how to open the trunk when it's below zero and the carpool mates are standing outside waiting waiting waiting for it to open. And things like the gas light. Now, in my vast car experience, a gas light typically means you need gas. I happened to notice the gas light was on when we were leaving Salem today and mentioned it ever so gently to our dear Mumbles. He was startled, hadn't noticed it, but predicted we could make it to Portland. In his defense, it's generally frowned upon to stop for gas with a car full of riders anxious to get home and watch Entertainment Tonight. If we have to stop, the rule is that you have to provide snacks to make up for the aforementioned inconvenience.

On this day, however, Fidget decided to whip out the car's manual and see if it would tell us how far we'd get once the light came on, hoping that, in fact, we could make it to Portland without stopping. The manual was silent on this particular subject. So Mumbles decides he'll stop for $5 worth of gas. On the way to the petrol station, Fidget decides Mumbles has his brights on. He doesn't. Fidget offers to look it up in the manual (again, so helpful with that manual!). Mumbles asks Fidget to give him the book, Fidget insists he can look it up himself, and Mumbles clarifies that he's not asking for the goddamn book to look something up but rather to take it away from Fidget. Good call. Next thing we'd know, Fidget would be reciting the 100,000 mile check up requirements....

We get to the gas station, and Mumbles pulls in and asks for $20 worth of gas (explaining that he only had a $20, so he couldn't get $5 worth of gas...apparently, this isn't the kind of gas station that, oh I don't know, carries change). He remembers, after a gentle reminder and per the jillion signs posted at the station, to turn off the engine, but then announces that once it hits $19.95, he'll start it again so the attendant knows we're in a hurry. Once we're done, Mumbles decides that we only "lost two minutes on that transaction." No snacks, though...

Then, as we're leaving the station, Sparky, like a very old man, asks about whether the car comes with built in lumbar supports. Now me, I ask about how CD's you can fit in the CD player or whether it came with a built in DVD player but noooo, Sparky wants to know about lumbar supports. And, in fact, the driver's seat comes with one built in, but none of the other seats do. Fidget flicked Sparky shit about his lumbar support inquiry, claiming that lumbar supports are "so 10 minutes ago." Next thing I know they're both licking their forefingers and thrusting them towards one another. Apparently, and somehow I've missed this, they lick their fingers and then try to smudge the other's glasses. So immature (and yes, this coming from the very person who spit her gum at Fidget).

Like I said, it's so good to be back. Really, the holidays just get in the way of carpool fun. And, because Fidget will never forgive me if I don't mention it, he and I caught Sparky in a fat Sparky sandwich on the way to the car. It was awesome - we weren't even rusty after a 10 day sandwich hiatus. Figdet actually hurt his shoulder he rammed Sparky so hard. It was beautiful. Happy New Year!!

photo by hendrickfan2007's