The parking jungle, and other news

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

- Howard Beale, Network

Yeah, Howard, we hear you. We at SFZ are also mad as hell. And although we too announced that we weren't going to take it any more, alas, the crappy Parking Bureaucracy (PB) had other plans.

As you can see from the picture, a bush has forced its way into our dear slot #144. The bush makes it all but impossible for the passengers to gain ingress to, or egress from, our cars. And the bush's wispy tendrils are scratching the paint jobs to boot.

We at SFZ have reported this problem to the PB not once, not twice, but three times -- one time in a face-to-face tete-a-tete. But apparently, before a bush can be trimmed, some desk-jockey has to contact the owner of the adjacent building, who has to contact a gardener, who has to obtain a permit, that allows him to ask for his grandmother's permission to trim the bush. At some point in that confusing chain of command, someone dropped the proverbial ball. (Probably the grandmother.) And consequently, we're still mad as hell.

Other news and notes from this week:

• Madd Dogg's new coping mechanism -- On Tuesday, Madd Dogg unveiled her new method of coping with my (Fidget's) psychobabble: Bloodcurdling Screams. Madd Dogg was singing a Beatles song (Michelle), even though she previously has made it clear that she does not like the Beatles. I suggested that maybe she actually likes the Beatles, but says that she doesn't because everyone else likes the Beatles, and she wants to be different. She screamed and the lesson was learned.
• Guest Riders -- On Wednesday, Madd Dogg and I welcomed two co-workers to the carpool ride home. "Chapstick" -- so named because he thinks that it is "super solid" to slather on lip balm before a fierce game of pick-up hoops -- enjoys long walks on the beach, and his new dog Cady. "Cupcakes" -- who has a penchant for food of same name -- enjoys gambling, drinking, and fistfighting (not necessarily in that order).
• Sparky goes retro, nacho-style -- As his carpool profile explained ["Carpool Profile: Sparky," July 2, 2006], Sparky is "made from reclaimed and recycled materials, without the use of pesticides." But as the profile also made clear, he is "also somewhat of a throwback." And he proved it Friday, by being the first carpool member to bring 7-11 nachos on the ride home. The nachos -- complete with pump-action "cheese" -- were, admittedly, quite delicious.
• Mumbles still AWOL -- Mumbles's honeymoon prevented him from being in the carpool this week. The rest of us hope that he is having both a "sick" and a "chill" time.

WARNING: Sappy love fest to follow

On the way home from Mumbles' wedding, my signficant other and I were talking about my carpool mates. It occurred to me, as it did to her, that I really do carpool with the nicest group of people ever, and that I am really lucky. As much as we bag on one another and make fun of all our little, well, ticks if you will, you're not going to meet a nicer group of people (myself excluded, of course. I mean, my name doesn't exactly imply "nice"). I love that Fidget always tells me if I have something stuck in between my front teeth right before I go to have a meeting with my boss and that he knows about things like the holy foreskin. I love that I can ask Sparky the stupidest of questions, and he'll never laugh or make fun of me (at least, not in front of my face). Mumbles, for the 33% of what he says that I can understand, is a neverending source of laughter and well, frankly, total chaos. I love it. In fact, I look forward to the trek to Salem and back, something that no one who hears about my commute understands. But, if they met the three that I carpool with, they'd totally get it.

Mumbles's Wedding -- Recap

Do not adjust your monitor. I (Fidget) have altered this photograph -- which was taken at Mumbles's wedding -- to protect the identities of Sparky and Madd Dogg. They both have some misgivings about having their pictures on the internet.

I myself share those misgivings to some extent. But I decided to leave my face unobstructed to show support for Mumbles. After all, he is the only carpool member who, as yet, has allowed his picture to be posted on our blog. See "Carpool Profile: Mumbles," June 15, 2006.

At any rate, Mumbles's wedding was quite wonderful. The weather was a beautiful 74 degrees (or thereabouts) -- perfect for an outdoor wedding. Mumbles and his bride (who we shall refer to as "Other Madd Dogg," given that she shares the same first name as our own Madd Dogg) looked beautiful and happy.

The highlights:

1. Mumbles managed to enunciate when saying his vows. Bravo!

2. The best man -- who gave a very, um, thorough toast -- confirmed what we already knew: That Mumbles is somewhat of a scofflaw, whose history of ignoring parking tickets is nothing less than prolific.

3. Sparky, Madd Dogg, and Fidget can maintain periods of maturity for up to 10 minutes at a time.

4. The significant others of Sparky, Madd Dogg, and Fidget are very patient and understanding souls.

Anyway, the carpool hereby bids Mumbles and "Other Madd Dogg" a hearty congratulations! Enjoy your honeymoon in beautiful [location withheld]!

[Photo by the super-cool company photobooth]

Going to the chapel....

Our little Mumbles is getting married!! Saturday night, time and location withheld to protect the innocent. Madd Dogg, Fidget, and Sparky will all be in attendance, and we'll be sure to be on our best behavior. A full report to follow, including whether Fidget follows through on his threat to dance...congratulations Mumbles!!

Taking Notes

I've been taking fish oil two times a day, in hopes that my memory will improve. Still, when I sit down at my computer to tell you all about the things that happened in the carpool, I often draw a blank. Today, I thought I would try to remedy the problem by taking notes; here's what I got:

Driver: Madd Dogg

Rider(s): Just me (Fidget). Sparky and Mumbles drove separately.

Number of people at whom Madd Dogg honked her horn: Zero. (Surely, a personal best.)

Topics discussed:

1. The Holy Foreskin -- Ok, I'm totally not making this up. According to wikipedia, the holy foreskin is, well, Jesus's foreskin. Apparently, after Jesus was circumcised, someone kept the foreskin. Why, you may ask? Well, it could have been because the foreskin is said to possess miraculous powers. Many churches throughout history have claimed to possess Jesus's foreskin, and as recently as 1983, it was paraded through Calcutta. Then it was stolen. (Typical.) So great was the power of the "holy prepuce" that 17th Century theologian Leo Allatius believed that the foreskin "divinely ascended" to become the rings of Saturn. (To that, I say this: If any of my body parts are going to ascend into space and transform into a celestial being, I'd like it to be one of the body parts that my bathing suit does not cover. Like my toe.)

2. Van Halen -- I asked Madd Dogg if she ever liked the music group Van Halen. After a pregnant pause, she said simply, "Not so much." According to Madd Dogg, Eddie Van Halen (one of the band's two namesakes) was "just kind of fuzzy." Madd Dogg was equally unimpressed when I told her that Alex Van Halen (the drummer) was apparently able to simulate a motorcycle with his drum kit. ("Hmm," she said. "Fascinating.")

3. Ban on male gynecologists -- Madd Dogg's idea. I think it may have some merit too.

4. Sexual orientation of Andrew Ridgeley, former member of Wham! -- Although Madd Dogg and I know that George Michael is gay, we were wondering about Andrew -- the less popular member of the band. My research tells me that he likely is not gay. According to wikipedia, he currently lives with his "partner," Karen Woodward of the 80's group Bananarama.

[Photo by Elsie esq.]

Weenie Retort

I am disappointed in Madd Dogg. You may have seen her blog entry for Friday, September 15 [“Weenies”], in which Ms. Dogg assailed the rest of her carpool by saying that we use our car horns in a “weenie-ly manner, which is to say that [we] don’t use them at all.”

I don’t want to speak for the rest of the carpool, but Ms. Dogg’s statement hath offended me, Fidget. For you, dear reader, to understand why that is so, a little background is necessary:

On Friday evening, Madd Dogg and I were the only ones in carpool. Madd Dogg was driving. Madd Dogg approached a four-way intersection with the green light, but she correctly waited to enter the intersection until the car in front of her could clear the crosswalk on the other side. At that time, some shit-head jackass in a red Volkswagen Beetle turned into her lane -- against a red light -- further clogging the crosswalk and impeding our travel.

Frustrating? Absolutely. But was the dipshit’s offense so great as to deserve not one, not two, but three honks issued from Madd Dogg’s horn? I wouldn’t think so.

But that’s not why I’m disappointed in Madd Dogg.

I’m disappointed because I greatly admired Madd Dogg’s unharnessed reaction to the other driver (even if I was a bit scared that he was going to get out of his car and beat us senseless), and I was going to tell you all about my admiration for her. Friday evening, I set to work on a blog posting that would sing of Madd Dogg’s heroic automotive acts. I saved a “draft” of the beginnings of my blog posting and went to dinner.

When I returned to complete the posting, I saw that Madd Dogg had posted “Weenies,” and my heart sank. Madd Dogg evidently went to the blog site to start a blog posting of her own, saw that I was going to enter a posting about her honking proclivity, and assumed that I was going to libel her in some way. Then, operating under a Bush-like “shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later” doctrine, Madd Dogg libeled the rest of the carpool – calling us “weenies.”

My options at this point are to “honk back,” in a manner of speaking, and publicly berate Madd Dogg for name-calling. Or I can be a “weenie,” so to speak, and tell Madd Dogg that I am proud of how she uses her car’s horn.

I guess I’ll be a weenie.

[Photo of Madd Dogg’s “horn-happy” hands, by Fidget]

Weenies

Yes, I'm describing my carpool mates use of their horns. They use them in a weenie-ly manner, which is to say that they don't use them at all. But, when Madd Dogg (that's me) uses her horn, you'd think that the freakin' Pope had just announced that he's pro-choice. Everyone gasps, grabs the nearest doorhandle, and then promptly begins debating whether I impermissibly used my horn or whether the person I honked out is gonna get out and kick our collective ass. Puh-leez. First, I can kick all sorts of ass, so they shouldn't be afraid. Second, why in the hell do we have horns if we aren't supposed to use them?? Someone cuts in front of me, I'm gonna let them know it pissed me off. Someone is about to, oh I don't know, drive into my lane because they are so busy playing tetherball with the glitterball hanging from the rearview mirror that they aren't paying attention to where they're driving, I should be able to honk at them! Whew. Just had to get that out of my system.

More Definitions

This is a meerkat. (The reason why meerkats are relevant to the carpool is not an interesting story. For those of you who really want to know, please see the asterisks below.)

According to wikipedia.org, a meerkat is "a small mammal and a member of the mongoose family." As you can see, meerkats are friggin' cute.

Some interesting things about meerkats (all from wikipedia):

1. According to popular African belief, the meerkat is known as the "sun angel," which protects villages from the "moon devil," (whatever the hell that is). Meerkats also protect villages from werewolves. Even though I'm not one for violence, I have to admit that I would love to see a meerkat and a werewolf go toe-to-toe.

2. A group of meerkats is called "mob" or a "gang." (Strangely, they don't have any known gang signs.)

3. The "alpha pair" meerkats (the leaders of a "mob" or "gang") often scent-mark (pee on) subordinates of the group to express their authority, and this is usually followed by the subordinates grooming the alphas and licking their faces. And that's just gross.

4. More than one field researcher has reported witnessing meerkats in some sort of singing ceremony that they compared with yodelling. Some believe that the meerkats' songs resemble what we would think of as "the blues." The lyrics usually translate roughly to, "Oh, Lord, why do the 'alpha pair' keep pissing on me?"

5. Because meerkats are social creatures that live in underground colonies, one meerkat usually stands guard outside, like a sentry, to warn other meerkats of trouble. If they fall asleep on the job, the alpha pair typically pee on them, which pretty much happens anyway.

* * * * *
Today, Mumbles and I were in the carpool when he said the word "meerkat." I don't know why he said it -- maybe I was starting to say a word starting with "M" and he was trying to predict what I was about to say -- but it prompted us to get the dictionary and see what a "meerkat" was.

Like I said, not interesting.

[photo by Neils Endres]

Best five dollars I've ever spent

Before he was jumping on couches or knocking-up women who are young enough to be his daughter, Tom Cruise was changing the world in a little movie called Top Gun.

Under the masterful direction of Tony Scott, Cruise portrayed Pete "Maverick" Mitchell, a cocky, smart-assed Navy flyboy. Cruise's portrayal of Maverick -- which can be described as no less than heroic -- lent to the character the depth and complexity of modern man in a confusing, yet primitive, world.

Maverick was so many things: In addition to being a showboating "mig insulter," Maverick was a tortured boy dealing with the loss of an absent father. At the same time, he was Oedipus, courting a woman who resembled a scolding mother. And through it all, Maverick was a true patriot -- conquering the death of a friend to stand tall against the faceless, nameless enemies who threaten the Indian Ocean.

So what does this all have to do with the carpool? Well, as the seven people who follow this blog will doubtless remember, Sparky and I (Fidget) rarely go a day without quoting Top Gun. Madd Dogg hates that. I think that Mumbles is pretty neutral about the whole thing.

That's why (1) I'm pleased to report to Sparky, (2) I regret to inform Madd Dogg, and (3) I mention in passing to Mumbles that, while perusing the crap at one of my neighbor's garage sales today, I found a DVD copy of the greatest movie ever to hit the screens in 1986: Top Gun. At just five dollars, I would have been an idiot not to purchase it.

Let the quoting begin.

"Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. They are not flexible, nor am I. Is that clear?"
-- Viper

[Photo by Fidget]

From Broken Headlights Springs Inspiration!

Nothing draws you out of a carpool blogging malaise like a good old-fashioned car accident!

First of all, don't panic; Mumbles, Madd Dogg, and I (Fidget) suffered no injuries in today's accident. (I'm assuming that Sparky, who rode to work separately today, was also uninjured.)

Here's how it happened (times are estimates):

7:05 am -- Mumbles shows up at the carpool meeting place in a rented Dodge Caliber, like the one seen above, except silver-colored. (If any of you have seen -- or more importantly, ridden in -- Mumbles' own car, you know that the Caliber was cause for rejoicing.)

7:06 am -- Fidget gets in the front seat, Madd Dogg gets in the back; the carpool departs for work.

7:07 am -- We come to a stop behind an enormous semi truck. We wait for it to proceed through the stop sign.

7:07:15 am -- Instead of going forward, the semi begins backing up. Mumbles yells "HEY!" and honks the horn. The truck does not stop.

7:07:31 am -- The rear of the truck makes contact with the Dodge Caliber; crunching sound is heard. Mumbles continues to honk the horn and yell. Fidget yells too. He doesn't remember what.

7:07:37 am -- The Caliber is now moving backward, being pushed by the truck. Even though the horn is honking, the truck continues to push us back. Madd Dogg (helpfully) yells at no one in particular to "Make it stop!" Fidget unstraps his seatbelt, and contemplates leaping out of the vehicle.

7:07:48 am -- One of Portland's finest (strangely sitting in a nearby patrol car doing nothing) "lights it up" (whoop whoop), and drives rapidly over to the front of the truck.

7:07:49 am -- The trucker realizes that he is scaring the sh#t out of three people in a car that looks like a pig, and he applies the brakes.

7:07:55 am -- The officer inspects the car, lights a cigarette, and allows a motorcycle cop to come to the scene to do the paperwork. The motorcycle cop -- who loves to write tickets -- does just that. His handwriting is impecible. Meanwhile, the first officer -- while smoking -- looks closely at the side of the Caliber, and then taps it thoughtfully, as if it is made of a space-age material of which he is unfamiliar.

7:30 am -- The traffic cop finishes the paperwork. Both officers leave. Mumbles spends some quality time with the trucker.

7:31 am -- The carpool continues on to work in slightly damaged Dodge Caliber, the sadder but wiser carpool.

[Photo by jooost boers]

What the hell is going on???

For our two or three devoted followers, you may have noticed a lull in carpool blog posts. At the risk of sounding completely lame, we've just been busy. And tired. Well, by "we" I mean Fidget and Madd Dogg, since Mumbles and Sparky are not, how do I say, active bloggers.

But I have thoughts of the blog, and ideas for posts, and I'm trying my hardest to remember them all. Here's a preview of things to come, sooner or later. Or maybe not....

1. Jinx.
2. Seating chart.
3. Gas prices.
4. Mumble's facial hair.

And last, but not least, an update on the Suri watch. As most of you know (and for those of you who don't, shame on you) Suri has made her debut. She is freakin' cute. Thank god she looks just like her mom....Mumbles, I'm still holding out hope that you'll make an even splashier debut when you feel the time has come. We'll wait.